I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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