I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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