just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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