If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
