i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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