I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Randomize
