my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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