People in love make me want to vomit
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
