Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
