You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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