tell your sister to shave her snatch
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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