the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
