I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
