remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
