She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
