I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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