just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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