Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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