I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
