hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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