he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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