Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
