some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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