I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
