I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
