Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
