you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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