Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
