My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
