Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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