let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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