can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
