my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
