whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
