Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
