Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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