I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
