I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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