Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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