What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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