If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
