gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
