i jhust puked up my retainher.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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