remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
