So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Randomize
