listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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