I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
