You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i drank out of a bidet.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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