Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
