discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
