Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
